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A Must Read

This is NOT Lon Porter

Last Thursday evening, the Hays Bell Dodgeball match, between Chemistry and Biology, took place.  Now those of you who know me know that a Grunge Report on that would read stale and straightforward…

“Chemistry XXX – Biology XXX”.

Lon Porter’s report of the same match is full of life, amusing, and or me, a long trip to the dictionary.  I laughed and laughed.  Heck Lon might just talk me into being a Chem major (I know…no way!).  Here’s Lon’s report…

“Another epic night of interdisciplinary dodgeball, red in tooth and claw, rocked Allen Center this evening.  The seniors dedicated this year’s match to a couple of Hays Hall giants, Olsen and Munford.  As the games began, a new leader emerged to help the chemists in their quest to prove that chemistry is much more than the benevolent “central” science textbooks would have us believe.  Wally “Le tigre” Novak stunned the biologists with his cat-like reflexes and sage tactical acumen.  Joined by Chem/Bio dodgeball veteran Lon “Molybdenum Prime” Porter and his adamantium knee, the chemists looked to maintain ownership of the Hays Bell.  The chemistry seniors aimed to exert kinetic control and extend the three year winning streak to four.  The biologists naturally selected to pursue other plans as they hoped to secure a victory tonight that would break the series 3-3 tie and take the lead and bragging rights.  The biologists clearly looked to lay down the central dogma and introduce the chemists to their new niche…pain.

The entropy of the court quickly confirmed the second law’s impact on the opening games.  Uncertainty ran rampant, but guys were quickly reminded that wavefunctions for particles with these masses are very small; you really can ascertain the position AND momentum of a dodgeball with GREAT certainty when it knocks you flat.  Le Châtelier smiled on the chemists as equilibrium quickly shifted away from the biologists.  These early victories were not without great survival costs; opportunistic predation resulted in early chemistry injuries.  These palled in comparison to the biologists that migrated away in hopes of mate selection…and 50 cent Keystone Lights or Cactus Cups in more northern field ranges.

Given the upsetting desertion, the biologists threw the entire phylogenetic tree at the chemists for the Hays Bell match.  The remaining senior, junior, and sophomore bio guys herded together and took on the uninjured senior chem majors for the final prize.  The first game of the Bell match was a nail biter and shifted back and forth like a clock reaction.  After following major metabolic pathways, ATP was expended and the chemists claimed first blood.  While exciting, the second game had a much shorter half-life and also went to the chemists for another clean sweep.  Electrons were pushed, activation barriers were overcome, and Punnett squares were filled…however, in the end…the biologists folded like a protein.  There is no joy in Down House – mighty Darwin’s men have struck out.  While the Bell remains in the chemistry side of the display case in Hays, the bonds of friendship and scholarship remain ever strong (covalent of course, right about 154 kJ/mol at last glance).  Following the Bell game, the biologists did rally to win a friendly game or two.  It was great fun and yet another tradition that many of us hold dear.  Thanks to all the folks who participated and to those who came to laugh at the spectacle.  As many of us settle down with a cool beverage and a crossword puzzle (as Polley might recommend), we hope that those anti-inflammatory, organic synthetic targets kick in and work their biochemical magic…until next year, Wabash!”